Psychology Truth Part III

This is the third psychology truth in an eventual series of ten. The first two have been previously posted.

There are ten powerful psychology truths in life.

1. Silence is more powerful than trying to prove a point.
2. When trust is broken, sorry means nothing
3. Control your actions, learn to react less
4. When you are honest, you lose people who don’t deserve you.
5. One beautiful heart is worth more than 1000 beautiful faces
6. Small circle, private life, clear mind, and happy heart
7. Never go back to someone who has already broken you
8. Stop overthinking, you can’t control everything. Just let it be.
9. If somebody is stupid enough to walk away from you, be smart enough to let them go.
10. True friends are very rare, if you have one, you are very lucky.

Some of these I have been living by for a while, some I have known I should be living by, and some are new that I hope to put into practice.

Control your actions, learn to react less.

I used to have an anger problem. I don’t know what changed it. Maybe it was a fully developed frontal lobe, maybe it was spending a lot of time alone and having no one to lash out at. Maybe learning to deal with an existence I hated in the military, or years of chronic pain did it, but something has calmed me tremendously.

I work in a department of all women. Believe me, we can get worked up over things. If one of us has a work issue or sometimes a personal one, we all become invested. I have been told by a couple people in my work group that I always seem so calm when they would be freaking out. My supervisor tells me that she likes having me around her because I calm her. I am glad I appear to be calm on the outside, because on the inside, I am usually as shaken as anyone else. I have well-hidden anxiety problems. Sometimes I get stressed out and shut down. Not many people see me when I get to these places though. I’m like an animal, many times I have to isolate to lick my wounds. When I am seen as the calming factor, I can’t be the one who loses control. On the other hand, however, if I have someone I trust to comfort me and hold me, or a literal shoulder to cry on, I can let it all out. I am a bit of a masochist though, if I can’t get comfort, pain will usually work me through the stress.

When I was in high school and going through one of my angrier periods of life, I hung up a partial sack of beans (the kind you plant in a field, not the kind you buy in a store) I had found in the barn. I would punch that bag and kick it and wear myself out on it until I was tired and my knuckles were bruised and bleeding. Somehow, I found that very stress relieving and since then, I have recognized pain as being one of my recipes for relief. I used to go running, play racquetball (alone), punch a bag, or work out harder than I should. I was excited to get my knee fixed so I could start running again and the first thing they told me after surgery was ‘no running’. I was heartbroken. It was going to be my outlet and get me back in shape. Two birds; one stone. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be.

Most of those who know me will tell you I don’t keep things bottled up inside. I am an open book and have few filters. Heck, just read a few of my blog posts and you will figure that out. What those who know the open book me don’t know is the other things I do keep bottled up. The things that are sacred to only me and that eat me up on a daily basis. It is the things I can’t talk about that I keep bottled up inside and there isn’t much I can do about it except find ways to destress or find the rare like-minded people who understand.

I have come very far over the past twenty years learning to control myself and my emotions. Actually, just over the past year alone, I have become much calmer. I believe it can all be attributed to the things I have endured and learned, and the people I have allowed to influence me. I was told years ago not to ask God for patience because the way you learn patience is to be forced to wait for something you are longing for. As soon as they told me that, I quit praying for it. I’m not sure if it made a difference because I am still waiting for some things I have been praying form all my adult life. Patience is difficult but it is an import element to self-control. If one can accomplish some modicum of self-control, overreaction is not an issue. One thing I have started doing to work on patience and self-control as well as taking control of my body in overcoming pain, is breathing. Yes, we all breathe, but I am talking about deep, intentional breathing. Slow, breathing where all you think about is your breathing. If you try this, you should find that not only does it calm you, but it is also very difficult to think about other things while you are concentrating on how to breathe. There are many guided meditation videos on YouTube for anyone who would like to look further into this. Finally, over the past year I have gotten close to one of the calmest, gentlest people I have ever known. He has greatly influenced me in seeing some things just weren’t worth worrying about and it is always better to be the bigger person and let things go. I also have gotten close to a couple of co-workers and have had a couple of health care providers who have taught me a lot about self-care and mental health over the past few months.

I can remember at least three times in my life when I lost it. The fact that I remember those times tells me that they embarrassed me or impacted me negatively. One time, my nephews think is hilarious, but I don’t so much. We had ordered a bucket of chicken. I only like the white meat. I was starving. When we drove up to get it, they said they only had breasts in original and we said that was fine. Apparently, they thought “that’s fine” meant just give us all dark meat. I sat and held that heavenly smelling bucket of chicken all the way home. When I started to plate the chicken for the family, I was digging for a breast for my mom and me. I got to the bottom of the bucket and no breast. I had a leg in my hand and threw it into the bucket. I was so angry. The boys thought it was hilarious. They talk about it to this day. I did learn something that day. Kids don’t forget your bad moments. That is probably something that will get mentioned at my funeral.

Another time I was in band at ASU and I got into an argument with another bandmember. The argument was obviously not that important because I have no idea now what it was about. I just remember opening my dorm room after practice and throwing my keys across the room. My violent spurt took out a chunk of the cinder block wall, mangled my keyring beyond repair, and bent some of my keys. For years, I used some of those bent keys and was constantly reminded of my little tantrum.

The last one I remember could have gotten me in some big trouble had the right people witnessed it. I was in journalism school in the military. We, the Army, had the running track reserved at a certain time and when it was our time, the Air Force was still there. Something was said to some of them who were just hanging out at the end where we were supposed to be. We all got into an argument. Then one of them turned and looked at me and said “Well if your ASVAB scores had been high enough, you could be in the Air Force too.” Ooooooh no she didn’t. I aced that test. I could have gone into any service I wanted. I was told I could pick any job in the Army I wanted (that wasn’t gender specific to men). I only chose the Army to get my college loans repaid. I lunged at her with every intention of taking her head off. Thankfully some of my fellow soldiers grabbed me and held me back. Ok I was wrong. I have always been proud of my intelligence. Don’t accuse me of being stupid. Apparently, that is a trigger for me. Who knew? Also, that was a very bad time in my life and it probably didn’t take much to trigger me anyway. Well, I have come a long way since then. I would say that for the most part, I am very controlled in my actions and rarely jump the gun. It has taken much time and effort and many stupid mistakes, but things are much better.

I am usually focused at thinking things through before acting these days. I still get emotional. I get tired, cranky, scared, frustrated, but one thing that keeps me grounded is having a work family who can read my moods and know when to poke the bear and when to not go near the cage. Yes, much of my stability is in their hands, and they seem to know it. They are really the only ones I have to worry about with my moodiness. My family is well aware of my tendencies, especially since they all share the same ones. Most of my moodiness is genetic, I am quite certain. I am fairly good at faking it with people I must be nice to in the name of customer service, most of the time. If caught off guard, you might catch my ‘don’t touch me, stay away from me, leave me alone’, face, but when I’m in a public space, I try to turn that one off.

Most people become calmer the older they get, which can easily be seen in grandparents. Many grandparents are super sweet and patient with their grandchildren while their children look on with amazement and jealousy that they didn’t get away with half of the shenanigans that their children do under the guidance of their parents. The same parents who punished them for the most minor of infractions.

I think I say all of this to say we all start out life wild and free and as we mature, we must choose how much self-control we will exert to reign in our wildness, our tempers, our natural anger and violent tendencies. In a civilized society these are not socially acceptable qualities. We are expected to be calm, pleasant, slow to anger, and courteous to each other. There are acceptable arenas for excitement, anger, and wildness. It is just important to know how to behave, when and where.

We also must know it is ok to be ourselves. If that means we are over emotional, quick to anger, unempathetic, or any other thing that tends to make others uncomfortable, it is important that we know that about ourselves. If possible, we should plan for those events that can trigger our over reactions, this is how we can gain control. One of the best things I have learned to do is remove myself from a situation if I see it is going to anger me or cause stress. I get over emotional about things. It has gotten to the point that if someone sends me a video about animals that is sad or about someone mistreating an animal, something I know will make me cry or very angry, I just delete and don’t bother with watching it. I don’t like for people to see me cry, especially when it is only me doing the crying. When I was at work and someone called to tell me my uncle had died, I just went outside and sat on a bench until the burst of emotion had passed. No one was the wiser. I knew if I told anyone and they started telling me they were sorry or asking questions I would control of my emotions, so I removed myself. When I had to put my cat down, I stayed home from work as I did when I was fresh from a breakup. I isolate and lick my wounds so I can control my emotions when I get around people. When I am angry, I am best to tire myself with activity and have a good sleep. The next day I am usually over it. Fortunately, I don’t stay angry long.

Learning to control yourself takes practice and if you have had problems with overreaction all your life, it may be difficult to change, but there are many ways to find peace and calmness in your life. Mine came naturally, I believe, through spending a lot of time alone and self-reflecting. If this is not a luxury you have, you may have to make time for you. Isolate and be still. Listen to yourself breathe. Realize how little in this life is really important in the grand scheme of things and very little is worth getting worked up about. Anger hurts the angry much more than the offender. Many times, the offender has no idea they have offended. If that is the case, what has anger done but caused stress? Worry is useless. What is going to happen is going to happen. Worrying will not stop it. Most of the things we worry about never come to fruition anyway. If we keep these things in the back of our mind, much of our overreaction just fades away. My final word on this rambling mess is coming from someone who has spent at least two thirds of her life with little self-control and much overreaction, I have to say having self-control is much more satisfying and a much less stressful way to live. If you don’t have self-control, it is worth the effort.