Here's What's Been Going On

I made a list of five things I was going to accomplish this weekend, things I have been needing to do for a while that just keeps getting put on a back burner. I finished everything yesterday except for posting to my blog. For those of you who read it and may be wondering what has happened to me, I am okay. Life has been beating me up a little physically, mentally, and emotionally over the past few months, but I have faith and hope that it is just one of those lulls in life and things will look up soon. I have been there before and I’m sure if I live long enough, I will be there again. But hey, things are looking up in some areas. So let me catch you up, and hopefully I can start fresh on my next post and if I refer to something that is going on, you will know what I am talking about.

I started the year with a broken heart, political uneasiness, and seasonal depression. I lost the man I was dating and who had become my best friend and confidant, because he had family responsibilities and couldn’t carry on a relationship and deal with all he was going through. So, the breakup wasn’t for anything either of us did wrong, there were no hard feelings. I felt guilty if I got angry over it because how can you be angry with a man who puts his family first and gives them 100 percent? If anything, the situation made me respect and care for him more. The problem for me, I guess, was there was no closure. But God had other plans for me. If I have learned anything over the last few years, God’s will and mine often are not the same and God’s will always be done. I just wish I could have known up front that he wasn’t in God’s plan for my future and I wouldn’t have fallen the way I did. I learned some lessons though and grew some from the situation, so it wasn’t all a loss. Maybe someday I will hear from him again. I am finally able to move on, and my heart is healing.

In late January or February, the U.S. Government was turned upside down when Trump and Elon took over. As a government employee who has seen five administration changes and each one going to the opposite political party than the last, I knew there would be big changes. What I didn’t expect was them to happen overnight. When your supervisor contacts you on a weekend to make sure you will be at work on Monday, so you can email a list of five things you did last week to Elon so you don’t get fired, that is a clear sign things are about to get crazy. We were suddenly all walking on eggshells, not knowing what we could say out loud, we were certainly not going to send any emails or IMs referring to the new administration or anyone in it. We had code names for people so we could speak our minds with less fear. To be honest, the book, 1984, kept creeping into my head. I was sick. I voted for the man who was tearing apart the lives of hard-working government employees who have devoted their lives to working for the people. I know the reputation of the government employee, but I also know the truth, especially about the ones I work with, who are often doing the job of three or four different positions because we are such a small facility we can’t hire someone dedicated wholly to each position. The administration and the media made the government employee enemy number one and suddenly we heard snarky and mean comments from our closest friends and relatives about government employees. It is like talking about someone behind their back when they are right there in the room. It cuts. So many of us shut down. Our safe place was when we were together or alone. The outside world could no longer be trusted. We had longer huddles, longer conversations, and we were there for each other. It was a crazy time for about five months. Things have calmed down, but we know they are far from over. We are all still on guard.

In April 2022, I had a total knee replacement. I needed it about five years earlier, but I was urged to wait until I was at least fifty if I could. My knee kept getting worse. I went through all the steroid and collagen injections until they no longer helped. A trip to Las Vegas in 2021 was what finally convinced me I could no longer wait. I was with my sister and two friends. They were so patient with me, taking elevators, escalators, buses and trams anytime we could and walking slowly so I could keep up. I knew I was slowing everyone down and I was in so much pain. I have learned over the years that no one wants to hear about the pain, so I try very hard not to complain, but I know it shows on my Brown face and my Perrin waddle. My watch said I had walked 28 miles in those four days. The last day, I yelled at the friend sharing my room. I feel bad about that to this day. I know it was the build up of the pain and exhaustion of trying to keep up. I knew after that vacation there would never be another big trip for me unless I got my knee fixed. However, a few months later I found myself in San Antonio, Texas.

My sister and I had booked a cruise that had been cancelled due to covid, so we had to cancel our flights. We learned in February that we had just a few days to book flights or lose our money. My sister is not one to throw away money. I told her it didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t opposed to giving up the money, because I knew my knee was not going to like it, but I told her if we go somewhere, let’s go somewhere warm and without covid restrictions. That mostly left us with Florida or Texas. Florida was too expensive, so Texas it was. She, my brother-in-law, a friend and I went to San Antonio for a few days. I would have enjoyed the trip very much had I not had to deal with the knee. I keep myself so numb with pain killers that trip, only to make it tolerable. I swore when I got home, I was demanding surgery. That next day at work I contacted the orthopedics PA and asked for a surgery consult. He entered it and I had a new knee in less than two months. The first step I took after surgery, I almost cried, I didn’t feel the pain in my knee that I was so used to. For over three years now, I have been walking without a limp and enjoying life. I have had some great vacations without painkillers and was able to keep up with everyone, until April this year.

I was outside working with some plants getting ready for the Master Gardeners annual plant sale. I don’t know what I did, but when I shifted my body, my right knee, the replacement felt like it detached. There was an electric shock that shot through my knee, and I nearly went down. I made it to the deck to sit and massage my knee, but the pain wasn’t going away. For days the right knee hurt so bad, I had to start relying on my left knee. Well, that is a bad thing, because I need a replacement in that knee too. So, overusing that knee for the couple weeks that it took for my right knee to get better, made the left knee get bad and stay bad. When I first felt that grating pain of bone against bone with every step, it triggered memories of all I went through with the other knee. Again, I started falling back into a depression that I was just climbing out of. I knew it wasn’t going to get better, and surgery was inevitable. I started making plans. I could retire in September and have surgery after that and not worry about missing any work.

Yes, I am 53, four years from my minimum retirement age, but the President has offered early retirement to whittle down the size of government. When I knew this was available, I was very troubled. I knew I wanted to do it, but you had to be gone by September 30. I wouldn’t be ready by then. I had a few things I wanted to pay off before retiring. December would be better, then I would have my house paid off and have a couple more months of paychecks saved up and have more time to train someone to do my job and make sure I didn’t leave anything undone. The last day was approaching to request early retirement. I knew if I didn’t do it, I would regret it, and I could always change my mind. So, I sent in my request, and I started planning. One priority was to have knee surgery. I was looking into ways to make money on the side by free lance writing, editing, and other odd jobs I can do at home in my sweats and t-shirt, when I wake up at 9:00. I had many projects I wanted to work on and lots of ideas. I couldn’t wait until the end of September. Then…

I dated a man once who always got sad and distant right when we were starting to have a great time. I asked him why he did that. He said that every time something good happened to him, something bad always followed. My retirement was rejected by the director. My position is too important and if I leave, they will likely lose the position. That was the story I got. So, if I am too important to let go, I need a big raise. I was so angry and hurt. I spiraled that day. It was also the day I lost the current man I was dating, but we’ll get to that. I’ve had time to think about things. I love my job and the people I work with. If I must work four more years, or seven, it won’t be the end of the world. Plus, I should be debt free by then and have a nice little nest egg. If early retirement is offered again, I will request it again. Who knows what is in store for me next on that front.

So, the last thing. Yes, I met a guy. I would never have given him a second look, had I not fallen for the last one. He has long curly hair, and long hair on a man was never my thing, but the last one had long curly hair and I grew to like it. So, we started talking and decided to meet. I met this guy who is a picture of health. No fat on his body, but not skinny. I don’t like skinny guys. I knew this would be a first and only date. No man who takes care of himself like this is going to like chunky monkey me. As an introvert I am very awkward on a first date, but this one wasn’t very awkward. He started talking and never stopped. I enjoyed just listening to him. He even invited me to his place after dinner to show me his amazing property. I told him up front that I had not been feeling good, and that I was going to see my provider on Monday. He was very kind, and we had a very nice evening. The best part, he was still talking to me the next day.

Through our conversations I learned just how amazing of a life this man has had. He is a Veteran, there are things that he is very passionate about, and if you bring one of them up, you won’t be able to get him to stop talking. He is very athletic. He is very healthy. His refrigerator is full of fruit, vegetables and meat. There is no dairy, bread, sugar, processed foods, etc. The amazing thing is that he used to be a near invalid after an accident. He was told he would never be able to take care of himself again or get around on his own. There are two things a person can do when told such a thing. Give up or prove them wrong. He likes to travel, surf, ride dirt bikes, climb rock and ice, and ride motorcycles. He wasn’t going to give up his exciting life and let people take care of him, he wanted his life back. Over time, he got that and much more. He has good health, calm and peacefulness, and he is the happiest, most positive person I have ever met. This is a man who also reads his bible daily and attends church weekly.  I don’t mean to make him out to be perfect, he has his faults too. The good just very much seems to outweigh the bad.

Well, back to the knee thing. This guy was once told that he needed both knees replaced, and he was living in terrible pain with his knees. His doctor told him that he wouldn’t recommend surgery, pain wouldn’t kill him. He didn’t want surgery, so he set out to find a solution. He told me after he changed his diet and started taking supplements for his knees, they are much better and cause him no problems. He has taught me so much about how to eat and what supplements to use. It is a lifestyle change, but in the small amount of time I have been seriously trying, I have noticed big differences, not only in my knees, but my mood, digestion, energy level, focus, and enjoying getting back out in my gardens.

We tried to date for over a month. I was sick the whole time, not knowing what was wrong with me. Sometimes thinking it was a UTI, sometimes the flu, sometimes hormones. It seemed like every time we tried to be together, I wasn’t feeling good, or I had to cancel. After my first stay in the hospital, I found out that I was going to have to live with a stent for three more weeks and have surgery and then have a stent for a while longer. I told him he may want to move on. He kept talking to me, but we hadn’t even discussed getting together in a couple weeks because I had been so sick. I knew that if I had been in his shoes, I would have been getting pretty concerned that I was getting into something with a sickly person I didn’t want to deal with, especially if I wanted an active life. I did tell him that normally I am healthy, but he hasn’t seen it, so I understand if he wasn’t convinced. Well anyways, we later exchanged some messages about where we were, and the last one said we should step back for now. I couldn’t blame him; I even agreed with him. I couldn’t be 100 percent in. We wanted different futures. We have a lot in common; we can talk about a lot of things (well he talks, but I give an opinion when I can get in there. It is so nice to be with a man who talks 😊)

My heart wasn’t broken. We didn’t have time to get that close, but I made a friend who still talks to me, and I have learned so much and I have so much respect and admiration for him. After a second stay in the hospital, the weekend before my scheduled kidney stone surgery, I finally got the stents out last Monday. I had two stents, because while I was waiting to get the stone on the left removed, one on the right decided it wanted to come down also. So, I woke up with two stents that were extremely painful. I have a high pain tolerance, but when the pain is in an area that is affected by every movement and position, there is absolutely no relief, and it cannot be ignored. They gave me Percocet, but it didn’t touch the pain, so I just stopped taking it. Once those things came out of me, I was a new person. My co-workers said I got my spark back. I am now pain free, concerning the kidney stones anyway. My knee is doing better. I am doing good with my new eating and supplement routine. I feel better, I smile more, and I am humbler.

I’m not liking God’s will in a lot of areas in my life, but I am trying to have faith that He is leading me to something and someone special. I’m sorry this has taken me so long to get out. I have started probably a dozen blog posts since the last one, but I just haven’t had it in me. This one was written because it was on my list to accomplish this weekend. It isn’t my best and it is probably a lot more than you want to know, but it is what is on my mind right now. Thanks for hanging in there to the end. I’ll try to do better.